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39 Things-To-Do During a Global Pandemic

  1. Make a list of all of the things you want to accomplish during the COVID-19 quarantine.

  2. Get immediately stressed out by the list.

  3. Throw the list away.

  4. Compulsively buy a new spring wardrobe on eBay (but make sure to buy the same dress in no fewer than 22 prints).

  5. As your purchases start to arrive, realize that you will need to buy hangers.

  6. Become acutely aware of the piss poor way Amazon treats its workers.

  7. Boycott Amazon.

  8. Wonder where you will buy hangers.

  9. Move-in with your boyfriend of three months for the duration of the quarantine.

  10. Read that book you’ve meant to read for over a year.

  11. Contemplate bangs.

  12. Have a Zoom meeting but be unsure of who’s the host.

  13. To cut down on confusion, ask the other person to host the meeting.

  14. Try not to be frustrated when the other person doesn’t know how to host a meeting.

  15. Agree to host the meeting.

  16. Realize they do not have a Zoom account.

  17. Call the other person on the phone to walk them through the process of setting up an account and downloading the application.

  18. Breathe a sigh of relief when you finally see their face.

  19. Get disconnected because your Wi-Fi sucks.

  20. Scream into a pillow.

  21. Create a sourdough starter.

  22. Kill a sourdough starter.

  23. Do so much yoga that you overstretch your muscles.

  24. Take a bath with a homemade bath bomb that stains the bottom of the tub.

  25. Sit in the bathroom sink, as close to the mirror as you can get, and attempt to be your own eyebrow technician.

  26. Google: “Eyebrow face skin bleed a lot?”

  27. Really contemplate bangs.

  28. Video call a stranger because you are desperate for human connection but secretly hope they don’t flash you their junk.

  29. Buy a guitar because you’re definitely going to learn how to play it.

  30. Schedule some time to really settle in with your existential dread.

  31. Obsess over the news.

  32. Stop reading the news.

  33. Eat some ice cream. Eat a lot of ice cream. Eat ice cream straight out of the carton.

  34. Create a new Pinterest board on how to DIY your bangs.

  35. Stop wearing shoes.

  36. Lose all sense of time.

  37. Accept the fact that time never mattered in the first place.

  38. Give yourself bangs.

  39. Regret your decision immediately.

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