It’s been several weeks since I last blogged. I’m not sure if that’s because Canton is low-key, or if I’m just boring. Probably the latter. Something that I have done with great vigor lately is figuring out how to be a better person. Well, I guess to be more precise: I’ve been trying to figure out how to stop being such a shit bird.
shit’bird (noun, military slang, obviously vulgar) 1. an objectionable person, often useless and unaware of their own uselessness. 2. a person who regularly gets into trouble; a screw up.
Okay, okay, I know I’m not that bad. In fact, I know I am not more of failure than anyone else. Have I had some hard licks lately? You betcha. Does that mean I am a piece of human garbage who will never amount to anything? Of course not.
Perhaps it is more fair of me to say that I am seeking to better myself, overall. While my friends are doing remarkable things like going on amazing adventures, getting married to their soulmates, and having children, it’s like I’m idling in the middle of downtown 5 o’clock Atlanta traffic. I feel stuck.
Yes, I’m going to Paris in a few days. Yes, I am surrounded by my tribe. Yes, I have amazing people in my life who love me. But I still feel stuck. It’s a little like drowning. I’m tired of waking up every day and feeling bad about myself. It’s exhausting. Really, really exhausting.
The rainbow prize for getting buckets of rain dumped on you. Some sort of metaphor, I guess.
So, in an attempt to pull myself out of this funk, I have resolved to make plans that may or may not come true. I wake up every day and tell myself that everything is going to be okay, one way or another. I will continue in my “Summer of Yes.” I will let myself walk in the rain and not get upset about it. I will teach myself to have more patience. I will be kinder. I will show more mercy. I will be a better listener. I will be a better daughter. I will be a better sister. I will be a better friend. I will redefine “shit bird.” I will not be a shit bird.*
*shit’bird (noun, Bailey slang, obviously vulgar) 1. a person who stops trying.